It’s looking like September is an early November in the sense I consider November to be a month of gratitude and thanks. I’m finding that this September, I have a lot to be grateful for.
On Sunday, I got up at 7am to let Sandy out and I decided to watch Family. I ended up buying the DVD because it’s my favourite movie. I was sitting on Aunt Kathy’s floor, watching my favourite movie, on an early Autumn morning and all felt right with the world. I felt at peace; I find morning to be the most peaceful and quiet – that’s also when I am at my best in terms of work. I’m thankful for the moment of peace.
On Tuesday evening, as I was walking home from work, Aunt Marie spotted me and picked me up to take me home. I was grateful for her kindness; I am grateful for all of my family members and I love them all.
I am also thankful for Mitch, my counselor. Tis the season of hard feelings… 11 September 2013 started the chain reaction of what led to my rape. On 11 September 2013, I ran into someone from high school, we hung out for a bit and he wanted more, I said no, he listened but made fun of me. This was when I started frequenting the cupcake shop and that’s when I met Brandon.
I’m also realizing that autumn 2013 isn’t the only reason for the sad feelings, though it is significant. I realized last week that in autumn 2012, I was losing Nan. After 15 years, her lung cancer came back and it was late stage. She was 89 and didn’t want to do chemo or radiation, she lost a lot of weight. I knew that this would be my last autumn with her and although I displayed some anger towards her, once I realized everything, I spent all of my free time with her.
She died on 25 January 2013 and 2013 as a year sucked. It was an emotionally draining year. The case was dropped on 5 December 2013 and that was when I still celebrated Christmas. I graduated 10 days later and I felt so empty. A lot of people demonized me for what happened and Nan was a major support for me. I felt more angry than sad, but it was very tough that year. I am thankful for those who didn’t walk out at that time and through the healing process. I’m also thankful that during this time, I have help. I have three more sessions until I have to find something through insurance.
I’ve been listening to a lot of TED talks lately and I felt solace in this talk from Andrew Solomon: the worst moments in our lives make us who we are
Brandon died. He was 32 years old and I felt sorry for his parents because no parent should bury their child. Some were surprised I wasn’t happy that he was dead. While I’m glad he can’t hurt others, I actually feel sorry for him. He is dead and can never experience life ever again. He tried to take my life and I survived. I am very much alive and have a bright future ahead of me. In two years, I will be the age he was when he died and in 3 years I will surpass him in age. It’s sort of ironic. The bastard wasn’t successful in pushing me down, but he pushed himself down at the end.
What are you thankful for?
One thought on “Thankful Thursday 12 September 2019”
Hi, Jessica Marie!
Last night Mrs. S and I watched the debate and some post-debate coverage, and by the time I noticed your comment on SPMM and your post here it was very late and I needed to get some sleep.
I am happy to know you found peace watching your favorite movie at Aunt Kathy’s. I am usually happiest and most productive during the morning hours. I am also pleased to learn that you had another positive encounter with helpful and caring Aunt Marie.
Forgive me for incorrectly guessing that the trigger to which you referred in a recent post was related to Nan’s death and not the rape. I knew I was in the ballpark in assuming it was about your beloved Nan. 2013 must have been the toughest of your life. As you find more things in the here and now for which to be thankful you may find that you are able to put the unfortunate events of 2013 in the past where they belong. You will never forget, but they won’t drag you down as much as they once did. As I am sure your counselor Mitch will tell you, you have the power to control how much unpleasant circumstances of the past affect you in the present.
I enjoyed the Andrew Solomon piece. In NLP seminars we learned how to own what we got, do some reframing and attach resourceful meaning to our circumstances and empower ourselves to make positive change. Your evaluation of Brandon and his fate reflects maturity and healing.
Have a safe and happy weekend, dear friend JM!