It’s looking like September is an early November in the sense I consider November to be a month of gratitude and thanks. I’m finding that this September, I have a lot to be grateful for.
On Sunday, I got up at 7am to let Sandy out and I decided to watch Family. I ended up buying the DVD because it’s my favourite movie. I was sitting on Aunt Kathy’s floor, watching my favourite movie, on an early Autumn morning and all felt right with the world. I felt at peace; I find morning to be the most peaceful and quiet – that’s also when I am at my best in terms of work. I’m thankful for the moment of peace.
On Tuesday evening, as I was walking home from work, Aunt Marie spotted me and picked me up to take me home. I was grateful for her kindness; I am grateful for all of my family members and I love them all.
I am also thankful for Mitch, my counselor. Tis the season of hard feelings… 11 September 2013 started the chain reaction of what led to my rape. On 11 September 2013, I ran into someone from high school, we hung out for a bit and he wanted more, I said no, he listened but made fun of me. This was when I started frequenting the cupcake shop and that’s when I met Brandon.
I’m also realizing that autumn 2013 isn’t the only reason for the sad feelings, though it is significant. I realized last week that in autumn 2012, I was losing Nan. After 15 years, her lung cancer came back and it was late stage. She was 89 and didn’t want to do chemo or radiation, she lost a lot of weight. I knew that this would be my last autumn with her and although I displayed some anger towards her, once I realized everything, I spent all of my free time with her.
She died on 25 January 2013 and 2013 as a year sucked. It was an emotionally draining year. The case was dropped on 5 December 2013 and that was when I still celebrated Christmas. I graduated 10 days later and I felt so empty. A lot of people demonized me for what happened and Nan was a major support for me. I felt more angry than sad, but it was very tough that year. I am thankful for those who didn’t walk out at that time and through the healing process. I’m also thankful that during this time, I have help. I have three more sessions until I have to find something through insurance.
I’ve been listening to a lot of TED talks lately and I felt solace in this talk from Andrew Solomon: the worst moments in our lives make us who we are
Brandon died. He was 32 years old and I felt sorry for his parents because no parent should bury their child. Some were surprised I wasn’t happy that he was dead. While I’m glad he can’t hurt others, I actually feel sorry for him. He is dead and can never experience life ever again. He tried to take my life and I survived. I am very much alive and have a bright future ahead of me. In two years, I will be the age he was when he died and in 3 years I will surpass him in age. It’s sort of ironic. The bastard wasn’t successful in pushing me down, but he pushed himself down at the end.
What are you thankful for?