A project that builds gratitude day by day to build resilience.
Creator of the Happiness Box Project Initiative, a project where you write your happiness or gratitude each day, then open the box in the New Year. The Initiative is to teach joy and gratitude, to pass it on to others.
On Friday evening I went to my new synagogue and it felt great to finally go in person. I’ve been attending services on Zoom for the past year. It also felt wonderful to meet the Rabbi face to face. He leaves in December and said he’s going to help me with my journey. The service was gorgeous and the reading for Sukkot really resonated with me. I’d like to share it:
After the service, the congregation and I had dinner in the Sukkah, or the canopy/tent. Didn’t get many photos, but I was able to get a selfie with the Bar Mitzvah boy, who made his bar mitzvah yesterday. Then I loved a teen gal’s hair and she gave me some tips for purple hair while staying professional. She loved my undercut too. Ate with the Rabbi and Val and it was so nice to meet them in person.
This is my Synagogue! These are my people! I found my spiritual home.
It’s Thursday again! I’m taking a blogging writing and reading break. My new job is going well, even with a few blips. Growing and learning pains, but they are normal. I still really like my co-workers and I’m grateful for this opportunity. Two nights a week, I’m at the library until 7pm, and things are going swimmingly there too. It feels great to have two jobs I love, I truly am blessed.
I’m also taking a break to focus on my mental health as well. A few weeks ago I mentioned that I think this September I’d feel better and help Crush along with their painful anniversary. Unfortunately, they are Former Crush now. I’m ace and demi romantic; Former Crush didn’t understand the ace portion and being young, they want to have fun. I don’t catch feelings often and I was getting jealous, so I decided to take a step back.
I had high hopes that September wouldn’t affect me, but I still feel things. The rape in 2013, but also the 4 months leading to Nan’s death in January 2013 (so remembering Nan’s final months in 2012). I will get to the latter in a bit. Let me talk about the lead up to the rape.
I knew in 2011 that I was ace, but at 22, I didn’t want to accept it yet. I wanted to feel “normal” and most “normal” young people have a significant other. Needless to say I met someone online at the end of September 2013 and ugh, big mistake, big mistake, big mistake! He was a very toxic guy in Ohio and the day of my rape, on 7 November, he told me that I was selfish, I didn’t care about him because I couldn’t help him. He threatened to kill himself and said it’s my fault if he did. When he didn’t answer his phone, I panicked.
When I panic and feel depressed, I like to eat. I’m an emotional eater. I decided to go to the cupcake place and from there I texted some friends. They didn’t want to meet up with me and I didn’t want to go home; when the rapist invited me for a drink then movies, I took him up on it.
I am very happy single. I am a loner and relationships tend to be misery for me. The one person I loved, it only lasted three months and it was drama in 2008 (fall 2008, ended January 2009). Former Crush was the first time in 13 years that I felt something. I walked away partly because of jealousy, but I didn’t want a repeat of putting myself in a bad place in 2013. While I didn’t know back then and my 24 year old self still wasn’t mature (maturity starts at 25), I can’t know what I don’t know. I am aware now and I am grateful for the insight. I’m also grateful for my therapist. I have no ill-will towards Former Crush, still have feelings and it hurt to say “goodbye,” but right now it’s for the best. I won’t share what I wrote, but therapist told me about the poem “The Dash.”
This brings me to the point about Nan. Fall 2012 was a sad period too, I was losing my best friend. I was losing my confidant. I was losing someone I loved. When she died on 25 January 2013, there was a void. 2013 was a sucktastic year and I hated how it ended. After the rape, I wish I had her. I felt so alone and at that time I couldn’t cry, so all I could feel was anger. It took me until May 2015 to cry and crying was therapeutic. Now all I do is cry, it seems, when I try to let go and heal. Crying is healing and I’m grateful that I am allowing myself to feel emotions. They aren’t good or bad, they just are.
I’m sure this is a weird and somewhat unhappy Thankful Thursday. I know there will be a few more like these in the time leading up to 7 November. I’m thankful for my readers, friends, family, and just my village in general. I’m thankful they are my shoulders and empathize.
After taking a summer break from meetups for mental health reasons, I made my debut this weekend. I RSVP’d for this event a few weeks ago and I’m glad the weather held.
Independence Beer Garden was crowded, but we found a (standing room only) table. Jordyn, then Emily x2 (two Emilys), and Eva joined us, then Jeff came.
When the Emily x2 and Eva left, Ben joined us and so did another Jeff, who was drunk as anything. Unfortunately, I had a group photo taken after Emily x2 and Eva left, but before Ben and Drunk Jeff joined us.
When Ben joined us, we got the board games and had fun for the rest of the evening.
It was so nice seeing everyone! Can’t wait for the next meetup!
Happy Last Thursday of Summer 2021! It’s hard to believe that the Autumn Equinox is coming up next Wednesday. I’m thankful for how summer turned out.
I’m thankful for my new job and co-workers. The security guard gave me a fig this morning. I’ll eat it later. Today was Yom Kippur and I can’t do a full fast, but a modified one. I only had water and bland foods.
I posted this on Facebook this morning and I want to share it here as well:
To those I may have wronged, I ask for forgiveness.
To those I may have helped, I wish I could have done more.
To those I neglected to help, I please ask for understanding.
To those who helped me, I want to sincerely thank you.
May you have an easy fast (if able to) and be written in the book of life another year.
I am also thankful for friends and family. What are you thankful for today?
Happy Thursday! I can’t believe we’re at Thursday already and summer is behind us, unofficially.
I have a lot to be thankful. My new job is still going well. I’ve made some mistakes, but I am still learning, and that is to be expected. Yet, despite some of those mistakes, I am doing well and I have wonderful co-workers who are helpful.
I’m thankful for friends and family too. What are you grateful for?
Happy 5782! It’s the Jewish New Year. Last year my groups had us share what we were grateful for and this year, this past Shabbat, the Rabbi had us share what we are grateful for.
I am grateful for my jobs. I am loved, welcomed, and appreciated.
I’m also grateful for my synagogue. I am loved and welcomed. I’ve built a religious family this year and I can’t wait to see what a new year brings. I’m grateful that Alex helped me join.
I’m thankful for friends, family, and my dear readers. I enjoy writing for you and I’m glad I could help you. I’ve built a family around my blogging communities too.
Since today is Labor Day in the US, I’m thankful for the summer I had. While we are still not out of the COVID woods yet, I was able to do some traveling and met some kind people on my travels. Traveling truly does help one grow.
Happy holidays, dear reader! Regardless of what you celebrate, I hope you can hold some gratitude in your heart today.