It’s Thursday again! I’m taking a blogging writing and reading break. My new job is going well, even with a few blips. Growing and learning pains, but they are normal. I still really like my co-workers and I’m grateful for this opportunity. Two nights a week, I’m at the library until 7pm, and things are going swimmingly there too. It feels great to have two jobs I love, I truly am blessed.
I’m also taking a break to focus on my mental health as well. A few weeks ago I mentioned that I think this September I’d feel better and help Crush along with their painful anniversary. Unfortunately, they are Former Crush now. I’m ace and demi romantic; Former Crush didn’t understand the ace portion and being young, they want to have fun. I don’t catch feelings often and I was getting jealous, so I decided to take a step back.
I had high hopes that September wouldn’t affect me, but I still feel things. The rape in 2013, but also the 4 months leading to Nan’s death in January 2013 (so remembering Nan’s final months in 2012). I will get to the latter in a bit. Let me talk about the lead up to the rape.
I knew in 2011 that I was ace, but at 22, I didn’t want to accept it yet. I wanted to feel “normal” and most “normal” young people have a significant other. Needless to say I met someone online at the end of September 2013 and ugh, big mistake, big mistake, big mistake! He was a very toxic guy in Ohio and the day of my rape, on 7 November, he told me that I was selfish, I didn’t care about him because I couldn’t help him. He threatened to kill himself and said it’s my fault if he did. When he didn’t answer his phone, I panicked.
When I panic and feel depressed, I like to eat. I’m an emotional eater. I decided to go to the cupcake place and from there I texted some friends. They didn’t want to meet up with me and I didn’t want to go home; when the rapist invited me for a drink then movies, I took him up on it.
I am very happy single. I am a loner and relationships tend to be misery for me. The one person I loved, it only lasted three months and it was drama in 2008 (fall 2008, ended January 2009). Former Crush was the first time in 13 years that I felt something. I walked away partly because of jealousy, but I didn’t want a repeat of putting myself in a bad place in 2013. While I didn’t know back then and my 24 year old self still wasn’t mature (maturity starts at 25), I can’t know what I don’t know. I am aware now and I am grateful for the insight. I’m also grateful for my therapist. I have no ill-will towards Former Crush, still have feelings and it hurt to say “goodbye,” but right now it’s for the best. I won’t share what I wrote, but therapist told me about the poem “The Dash.”
This brings me to the point about Nan. Fall 2012 was a sad period too, I was losing my best friend. I was losing my confidant. I was losing someone I loved. When she died on 25 January 2013, there was a void. 2013 was a sucktastic year and I hated how it ended. After the rape, I wish I had her. I felt so alone and at that time I couldn’t cry, so all I could feel was anger. It took me until May 2015 to cry and crying was therapeutic. Now all I do is cry, it seems, when I try to let go and heal. Crying is healing and I’m grateful that I am allowing myself to feel emotions. They aren’t good or bad, they just are.
I’m sure this is a weird and somewhat unhappy Thankful Thursday. I know there will be a few more like these in the time leading up to 7 November. I’m thankful for my readers, friends, family, and just my village in general. I’m thankful they are my shoulders and empathize.
What are you grateful for?
One thought on “Thankful Thursday 23 September 2021”
Hi, Jessica Marie!
Even during the most dismal weeks on the calendar when we are besieged by painful flashbacks as you are now, we still have much for which to be thankful. You have survived many ordeals and you have gained insight and perspective. You come from experience and wisdom. I am proud of you for letting go of a recent relationship when your gut told you it was for the best. That’s hard, and not everyone can do it. You are learning self care, self nurturing, and that is important. You need to be whole in order to help others. Your progress over time is steady even though there may be a few speed bumps and jogs along the way. I appreciated reading The Dash. We should all take its message to heart. I know you still ache over the loss of Nan. I can’t help thinking that she wants you to focus, not on her illness and death, but on all the wonderful time spent with her, the example she set and the powerful influence she exerted on your life.
I hope you feel better by tomorrow when you arise. Come see me again when you have time and are feeling up to it. Take care, dear friend JM!