It’s Thursday again! I’m taking a blogging writing and reading break. My new job is going well, even with a few blips. Growing and learning pains, but they are normal. I still really like my co-workers and I’m grateful for this opportunity. Two nights a week, I’m at the library until 7pm, and things are going swimmingly there too. It feels great to have two jobs I love, I truly am blessed.
I’m also taking a break to focus on my mental health as well. A few weeks ago I mentioned that I think this September I’d feel better and help Crush along with their painful anniversary. Unfortunately, they are Former Crush now. I’m ace and demi romantic; Former Crush didn’t understand the ace portion and being young, they want to have fun. I don’t catch feelings often and I was getting jealous, so I decided to take a step back.
I had high hopes that September wouldn’t affect me, but I still feel things. The rape in 2013, but also the 4 months leading to Nan’s death in January 2013 (so remembering Nan’s final months in 2012). I will get to the latter in a bit. Let me talk about the lead up to the rape.
I knew in 2011 that I was ace, but at 22, I didn’t want to accept it yet. I wanted to feel “normal” and most “normal” young people have a significant other. Needless to say I met someone online at the end of September 2013 and ugh, big mistake, big mistake, big mistake! He was a very toxic guy in Ohio and the day of my rape, on 7 November, he told me that I was selfish, I didn’t care about him because I couldn’t help him. He threatened to kill himself and said it’s my fault if he did. When he didn’t answer his phone, I panicked.
When I panic and feel depressed, I like to eat. I’m an emotional eater. I decided to go to the cupcake place and from there I texted some friends. They didn’t want to meet up with me and I didn’t want to go home; when the rapist invited me for a drink then movies, I took him up on it.
I am very happy single. I am a loner and relationships tend to be misery for me. The one person I loved, it only lasted three months and it was drama in 2008 (fall 2008, ended January 2009). Former Crush was the first time in 13 years that I felt something. I walked away partly because of jealousy, but I didn’t want a repeat of putting myself in a bad place in 2013. While I didn’t know back then and my 24 year old self still wasn’t mature (maturity starts at 25), I can’t know what I don’t know. I am aware now and I am grateful for the insight. I’m also grateful for my therapist. I have no ill-will towards Former Crush, still have feelings and it hurt to say “goodbye,” but right now it’s for the best. I won’t share what I wrote, but therapist told me about the poem “The Dash.”
This brings me to the point about Nan. Fall 2012 was a sad period too, I was losing my best friend. I was losing my confidant. I was losing someone I loved. When she died on 25 January 2013, there was a void. 2013 was a sucktastic year and I hated how it ended. After the rape, I wish I had her. I felt so alone and at that time I couldn’t cry, so all I could feel was anger. It took me until May 2015 to cry and crying was therapeutic. Now all I do is cry, it seems, when I try to let go and heal. Crying is healing and I’m grateful that I am allowing myself to feel emotions. They aren’t good or bad, they just are.
I’m sure this is a weird and somewhat unhappy Thankful Thursday. I know there will be a few more like these in the time leading up to 7 November. I’m thankful for my readers, friends, family, and just my village in general. I’m thankful they are my shoulders and empathize.
What are you grateful for?