Thursday already!? Where has this week gone? Two weeks until Halloween and we’re halfway through the month. 2019, slow down a little bit!
After my last session with Mitch, I promised myself that I would be honest with my feelings. Although they may seem silly to outside eyes, I am not going to deny my feelings. This will be the last entry about Savage.
On Monday, I chatted with two middle aged guys that I’ve talked to for the past few years and I told them everything that happened. Both of them said, “we could see that he was trying to use you and we were always watching out for you. We will continue to watch out for you.” I was telling the one that Savage’s hugs were amazing, he chuckled and said, “of course they were. He was trying to hook you.” I am grateful that the regulars I ride the train with were watching, they are listening, and continue to look out for me. They don’t have to, but they do, and it shows that people do care about me and that there are still good, honest people in this world. I feel verklempt.
I will admit, I felt a bit of cognitive dissonance about Savage and that is why I went back twice, because I felt guilty. I laughed about him with others behind his back; usually, I don’t do that, but the whole thing was oddly funny. Savage wasn’t a bad looking guy; he would have looked better without the face tattoos and I think that will be his downfall. Who would bring someone home with “Savage” and a gang symbol on their face? However, as I told him once, “I don’t really go by looks. I go by personality and how they treat others. If you are a crappy person, nope.” I’m asexual and I prefer not to jump into relationship with males, but in my mind, personality and inner character lasts where outer looks do not. I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt, I wanted him to be a kind guy, but my insides were telling me not to throw the blinders on like I did in my 20s. I listened.
Ironically, while my words from my mouth and fingers were telling him hugs and lifting me when he hugged me would be okay, my body said it otherwise. I let him hug me, but when he tried to lift me, my feet stayed planted on the ground. They refused to be lifted; I’m thankful that my body and my inner voice protected me. And while he was a very aggressive male, I am glad he backed off. I’m very thankful that it wasn’t worse and that I am very much safe. I could feel Brandon within him, but I am glad he did not pull a Brandon. Then again, I wouldn’t go anywhere with him. As I said to my writing.com friend, “Honestly, I wasn’t going to tell him anything about what happened to me, I didn’t trust him. He had Savage and a teardrop on his face, that is a walking billboard for danger. I didn’t want to give him ideas, though he probably had his own ideas.” I guess that’s the answer right there: I wanted to be nice, I thought I wanted to be proved wrong, but deep down I knew the answer.
I don’t know if he blocked my number, but I sent him this text this afternoon before I blocked him again. I wanted to put closure to this and honestly, I never want to see him again. Maybe that’s the coward in me, but I wanted to text it. He may never see it, if he did block me, but who knows. He hasn’t been on the train all week, so maybe I will never see him again (and I pray that is the case).
And like that, it’s over. I yelled “plot twist” and I am moving on!
(This is what I’m referring to:)
In happier news, I am grateful for my friends and for them listening this week. I am thankful that it induced laughter because I think the laughter helped ease the triggers a bit. Laughter is the best medicine, after all!
I am thankful for my co-workers, especially the library. Mrs. Davenport grabbed a gluten-free (and pork free) sandwich for me this afternoon when she saw them at a meeting. This will be my lunch tomorrow. I’m thankful that she remembered my dietary needs.
I am also thankful for Terry; I am catsitting for her this weekend and she grabbed dairy and gluten-free foods for me to enjoy. I am thankful for her friendship too.
Of course, I am also thankful for my parents and all that they do for me.
The leaves are changing, though I hope they change more before the wind blows them off the trees. Although it was windy today, I still took a walk and managed to take photos with my cellphone. Tomorrow, when I hike to Manayunk, I’ll take photos with my DSLR. I’m thankful for autumn and I’m thankful that I live in a region that experiences seasons.
Finally, I love seeing the Halloween decorations on my walk home from the library!
What are you thankful for today?
4 thoughts on “Thankful Thursday 17 October 2019”
Hi, Jessica Marie!
We had a late night last night and are still living out of suitcases across the state. Hopefully we can return home tomorrow.
The saga of Savage reminds me of the hit song “Smiling Faces.” Perhaps some of the lyrics will be of help to you:
Smiling faces sometimes
Pretend to be your friend
Smiling faces show no traces
Of the evil that lurks within (can you dig it?)
Smiling faces, smiling faces, sometimes
They don’t tell the truth
Smiling faces, smiling faces tell lies and I got proof
The truth is in the eyes ’cause the eyes don’t lie, amen
Remember, a smile is just a frown turned upside down my friend
(Beware) beware of the handshake
That hides the snake
beware of the pat on the back
It just might hold you back
Jealousy, (jealousy) misery (misery) envy (envy)
Don’t let the handshake and the smile fool ya
Take my advice, I’m only tryin’ to school ya
Smiling faces, smiling faces, sometimes
They don’t tell the truth
In your case, don’t let the hug fool ya. In your 20s you might have fallen for this approach. Today, in your 30s, you are wiser. You avoided a potentially sticky and ugly situation. You are learning and growing.
I hope you enjoy that GF sandwich for lunch. That was kind of Mrs. Davenport. I hope you are enjoying your walks outdoors in the brisk autumn air. Lucky you! It is still too hot down here. The fall leaves look lovely and I hope you will keep taking pics and posting them. Mrs. Shady and I went to Home Depot last night and they have 7 foot and 12 foot tall witches, werewolves, ghouls and ghosts along with a giant pirate ship with a skeleton at the helm and many other spooktacular H-ween decorations. Did you see the 12 foot tall witches at Wal-Mart yet?
Have a safe and happy weekend, dear friend JM!
Temptations right? I’ll have to listen to this later.
Savage made it easy. He liked to talk, so it helped. The caution I showed and the honour I showed myself by listening to my inner voice, I have to remember to do this with everyone. I’m not paranoid, but careful.
I’m a big hearted soul and I will never change it. However, unlike some blogs I saw, I have learned that there are certain people I can’t give to or as much to. I gave Savage $4, baked goods, and a temporary friend. That is enough and that is all he gets. I “punked out” for my safety. At the end of the day, it’s about my safety. I was raped once, I survived my worst nightmare, and never again.
I hope so too, Tom! Safe travels.
Close, dear friend. The song “Smiling Faces Sometimes” was a hit by another Motown act, a 70s group called The Undisputed Truth.
Thanks, Tom! I’ll listen! Hope all is well.