Well, there’s officially two weeks until my 30th birthday. I’m finally getting over the year-long aversion I’ve felt about turning 30 and since we can’t regress in age, I decided to invite friends to the party mom is throwing for me. Now, I just hope they can come since people seem to have plans on the 4th. My 30th birthday is going to be a joyful occasion; as all birthdays should be joyous (I try to avoid “should,” but birthdays generally are joyful).
Mom planned a BBQ for the family and apparently my cousin that moved to Brooklyn will be coming to celebrate. He and his girlfriend are coming. My other cousin and her husband who are in the Navy might also make an appearance; they live in South Carolina now, but will be moving to the Pacific Northwest soon and they might stop by. My mom is going out of her way to plan and ordered a special allergy-free cake for me from Sweet Freedom; and my family is arranging their schedules to celebrate. I am grateful and this makes me feel verklempt. When I stop to think about all that my friends and family do for me, I want to celebrate my milestone, even if I am still working toward things. I hope some of my friends can make it and I’ll be grateful if they do.
I am thankful for friends. The other night I shared my feelings with five of my closest friends about why I was feeling bad about 30. I will share what I typed because I’m learning to be honest with myself and others.
“I thought about it and it’s not my 30s that I’m dreading because 30s are still young. I still feel really bad about what happened to me in 2013 and sometimes I feel like I wish I could switch places with Brandon. I read the comments on his obituary and he was well loved by everyone in his life. At times I feel hated and I feel like my life was ruined, I feel worthless especially since a rapist has more love than me. I know it’s not true, but it’s a struggle. I will bring it up in counseling.
I guess I fear I’m going to remain stuck and I know that experience will always be with me. I guess I blame what happened when in reality some things just don’t work out and other things take time. I’m learning to accept my feelings as valid.
And also: I feel like I should have more of my life together. However, I just read that everyone wings it.”
Marsha, almost 37, responded that she does not have her life 100% together either and no one truly does. We all just wing it.
Anna, 31, said life is all about winging it. I also mentioned to her that I feel like sometimes people think I must be stupid or that there is something wrong with me. She responded that she often felt that way too, which surprised me. She shared a Lady Gaga video with me and Lady Gaga feels that way too! I think that’s another thing we all feel.
Christina and Tiarra basically said, “he’s dead and gone and you have such a long, successful life ahead of you.”
Laura also responded, “Your 30s are going to be so much better. I know it. It is sad that so many people loved a demon in disguise. They loved a version of him that he displayed. People love you for your authenticity, for who you are.” I should also add that most people don’t say negative things when someone dies, especially publicly on an obituary. Like social media, I can’t believe everything I read there. And even if they are true, they are true to the version they saw of him. That image is valid to them, just like my image of him is valid to me. I still feel for his family; 32 is young and no parent should have to bury their child. That’s the type of person I’ve always been and while he almost killed me, Wraith decided thsd night I still had a purpose to serve. I still feel sad at times, but deep down I could never wish that upon someone.
I’m thankful for each and every one of those responses, Kathleen’s too. Kathleen is Aunt Kathy’s age and has wisdom: at almost 60, she wings it too. I place too much on a number, when a number doesn’t really mean much. That’s true; I may still live at home, but I have a strong support network and I’ve had many experiences that a lot of young people don’t have. I think I just get into my head too much, a typical introvert. 🙂
I’ve been working on a scrapbook about Wraith. I’m thankful for some feedback from people at both jobs and I’m thankful that everyone has been so supportive of me. What are you thankful for?