The fifth anniversary of my assault came and went. Surprisingly, yesterday I felt at peace and while I was surprised with how at peace I felt, I was grateful for it. As I said leading up to 7 November, I am accepting every feeling as they come and I am sure there will be up and down days, like there have been for the past five years. I also know that while time heals wounds, there will always be a scar. Feelings aren’t wrong, but acting in anger/vengeance is never the answer. Even at my lowest point, I try to treat others with kindness and try to help others as best as I can.
I know I haven’t updated since Sunday, but between the Diwali Event at the library on Monday and working on a special project to mark the 5th anniversary, I’ve been focusing on the project. I wrote about what happened to me in 2013, which thinking about, I have told many people about my story but I’ve never really written it for myself. I wrote the facts, but you know what else I wrote about? I received some blow back after it happened (as we see when others come forward, always the blame), but for this page I decided to focus on my friends, co-workers from both my internship and library job, and family come together to be there for me. One of my co-workers from my internship came to some appointments with me, so I wouldn’t be alone. I am grateful for those that helped and I wanted to focus on that.
On the flip side, I wrote “2018” and how far I’ve come in five years. The guy died in 2015 and I remember when I read about it in 2016. He moved back to his hometown on the West Coast and he died there. I found his Facebook one day in January 2016 and was surprised to read “RIP, buddy!” I Googled it and found the obituary, he died at the end of March in 2015. While what he did was wrong, I felt for his family. He was 32 years old and no parent should ever have to bury their child. My heart went out to his loved ones instantly. One friend said, “Serves him right! Karma!” and the shock on her face when I said, “What he did to me was wrong and he hurt me, but I really feel for his family. While I know he most likely didn’t feel that way about me, of course he didn’t, I am not that kind of person. It’s a complicated feeling.” I have chosen to forgive, not only him, but myself. I have grown and I continue to grow, I can’t go back and change something that was so unavoidable. He also can’t hurt anyone else anymore.
I think by completing this project, which I put into my Happiness Box and I will scrapbook when I open the Box in 2019, that put me into a peaceful calm. Who would have thought? Maybe the fact that I could finally scrapbook this year has helped the healing process. Most of my close friends loved the idea and thought this was a productive way of coming to terms with grief. I am thankful to be alive and I am thankful for those that have helped me become 5 years strong.
Anyway, I am thankful for the friends that reached out yesterday. I am thankful for dad picking me up from work and dropping me off at public transit from time to time. I am also grateful that mom printed out my newsletters in colour on her industrial printer. It helped me save money and now I only have to buy postage and some other things. I am grateful for the generosity that will help me keep a budget this holiday season.
I’m also grateful for the community garden that the library has.
What are you thankful for?